...who loves life

It's been a while since I have posted here. I already have a post in my head that's been stirring for a while and I can't wait to write, but time is of the essence. However, I just came across this little saying (see image and read) and thought, Yes! Yes! I should add this to my blog, so here it is:)  

It's so appropriate for my life as a mother with depression. It's hard though, right?  

In the end I want all of my children to say this is how I lived- for them, through the Lord's strength and His power, she did it! I want them to know that their momma loved life! (I think they do! We only just sang Christmas carols in our awful opera voices, because it was so funny, delaying bedtime for THIRTY minutes! That was our tonight:)

I Don't Hate My Anti Depression Pills Anymore

If in my disease, Major Depressive Disorder, I am not well from the side that physically depletes the body I am surely bound for great difficulty in dealing with the other side of depression, the mental fight.



I've finally accepted that taking my anti depression medication does not mean I am a failure. After years of judging myself along my personal journey of life, the one the Lord has saw fit for me walk, I've been taught through the school of humbleness to accept that I need help. I have become a better person from this thorn in my flesh. I know what I once was before my depression needed to be treated and who I am now. The trials I've known I wouldn't trade because I want to live the way I do now- a closer daily walk with my Savior. My dependence on the Lord's sufficient grace means life. Living on self dependence is to my depletion of life. 

 

This is what my medication does for me: relieves fatigue and restless sleep, relieves suppressed appetite and weakness, positively interferes with the ache in my bones, controls the imbalanced chemicals in my brain such as serotonin, adrenaline, and cortisol... Become educated about cortisol and what repercussions it has on the brain.

 

My most stubborn self, my belief in lie of super-Christians, and rock bottom places has finally been cracked. Through constant education over the years by my doctors and therapists as well as my own research I can finally accept that there is a physical dysfunction in the brain that really does affect a healthy emotional balance. Floods of chemicals that are out of control and unstoppable without medication, the ones that are stimulated in the healthy brain when facing a "true" circumstance of depression and sorrow, are key factors for the disease depression. Think about this known fact: when we are brought to a hysteric laugh euphoric chemicals are released in the brain. This, to me, means that chemicals in the brain work both ways. Truths like this have helped me to understand the physical side of depression that needs help like any other disease.

 

If it was only 5 cents!

 

I used to hate when my psychiatrist would answer the same after many times I questioned him about taking medication, "Would you ask a patient with diabetes to stop taking their medication?" No, no I wouldn't.

 

An interesting thing about depression-

 it is always first ruled out by a negative blood test on the thyroid.

 

Hypothyroidism. I'm told by at least two of my friends who take medication for hypothyroidism that before they were diagnosed they felt as if they were spiraling into a state of "craziness." They told me about their unreasonable tears, unexplained depression, fatigue, restless sleep, uncontrolled weight loss, anxiety, panic, and more.  

 

If medication is used to stop the symptoms of a disease called hypothyroidism, a more accepted disease, that mimics depression then why would it not be normal to take medication for depression? The two are only separated by the location of dysfunction in the body, granted understanding the brain is much more complex and often becomes a mystery to find the right treatment. Again, truths like this have helped me to understand the physical side of depression that needs help like any other disease.

 

My thyroid is fine.

 

What mercy the Lord has upon us depression sufferers. I've read up on depression into centuries ago. My goodness would not those people had given anything to have the modern day medication we do! Truly I have received mercy and only by His grace I know this medication has first been provided by Him.

 

Depression is a terrible, terrible disease.

 

God has given me help. He has thrown out the lifesaver in the rain that still falls underneath my umbrella. If drowning, and so often depression feels like drowning on dry ground, such an oxymoron yet it is true, should I not then accept the Hand that saves me, should I not grab the lifesaver of the Hand that feeds me?

 

I don't hate my pills anymore because finally I understand that they fight against a disease in my body, a body that lives in this fallen world. I believe they fight my disease, not me. 

.......................

 

I'm not a doctor. I have given you nothing in my writing to medically support myself. However, I believe what I write is true through my own experiences, what I have been taught by my physicians and therapists, and my own studying. I can only speak for myself not you. In this post I hope to encourage you not to feel guilty any longer for your need of anti depressants through my testimony.

Is it More Than I Can Handle?

"God never gives us more than we can handle."  I've seen and heard this a lot lately.  And, to be honest, I get the urge to scream every time.  It's not true and it's not Biblical.  I've battled depression most of my life and would have told anyone that I understood the depths of despair that David speaks about in Psalms because I had experienced them.  I truly thought I had.  Then I lost Bowen, and now almost a year of a life that I was supposed to have, and realized  there are places grief will take a person that I did not even imagine existed before.  Believe me, God gave me immensely more than "I" could handle, at least on my own.  The Bible does not promise that the nightmares will stop.  Instead, It promises that we, those who have accepted Him, can do "all things" through Christ.  God promises us strength through Himself.  It does not make the grief any easier, and the pain of losing a child, a husband, etc. is no less devastating.  But it means we have help and God will hold us and keep us and when we are in those depths that David refers to, He will be there with us to give us strength.
"This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held."
Natalie Grant "Held"

-Cheri Rigby

Yesterday as I was checking my Facebook I was moved by a "status" a friend shared.  I asked her for permission before sharing it here.

Cheri is a wife and a mother, a mother to eight and to one who lives in heaven with Jesus. I've known Cheri for 10 years now, if not a little more.  She battles depression, even before her life was recently shook by the unimaginable, the stillborn birth of her baby boy, Bowen.  Without the Living Word of God flowing deep inside her heart, the well spring of Life, For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:13, she acknowledges Christ her Savior, his strength not her own, who upholds her through the unbearable.

Previous post: Smile of Perseverance 

Smile of Perseverance

Two days ago I went to the doctor, the psychiatrist,

I had purposely dressed up like always when I go to the doctor and... I wore my smile.

The doctor said to me,

"You look good, I know what depressed looks like. You look good."

I said, 

"Yep, I know what depressed looks like too and I do feel good."

The doctors tell me I am in what they medically call- remission.

The doctor was probably convinced that I am trucking along perfectly peachy-keen because I dressed my best and wore a smile.

But if you know me

not only can I not lie but I also don't like to give false impressions.

So, I went on to say,

"Yes, I do feel good both mentally and physically. But, over the course of years and even with my medications depression is always there. It's just not always taking me over. And in times like this it is easy for me to get-up-and-get-dressed and wear a smile." I explained to the doctor, a new doctor at the clinic, 

"I have accepted depression as part of my lot in life. If I have to live with it then I have to live with it."

My appointment wrapped up nicely and I don't go back until three months.

Three months means I'm doing great and at this point all I need to check in for is for medication management.

But to you my readers who are diagnosed with depression especially

Major Depression Disorder like me

I will tell you something more. More than I told my doctor.

Maybe like you I have found that some things my doctor is

not going to "get" because he/she doesn't have depression.

I am in my good days. I am in a very good season right now with this illness.

But, while I am smiling depression is still there.

It's there in the morning while I sip my coffee and read my Bible. 

It's there when I make breakfast for my kids. 

It's there when I am driving by myself in the car.

In the quiet- especially the quiet while the kids nap or I am lying down for the night.

-some days, most these days, it is lighter and almost nill and other days it can be a bit heavy-

Distraction is good right?

But distraction that is not balanced out with rest leads to burn out thus kicking in depression at high gear.

As I learn to be more simple I soak in the best of the best distractions for me.

-Can I just say.... I LOVE LIFE!-

I can laugh, dance, I have skip toot-a-loo's in my heart,

I can play, hang out with friends.

I Love dates with my husband. I love taking my daughter and her friend to window shop with them, and go to the movies! I love to preschool our foster sons. I love to chat with my nineteen year old son.

Yeah, I'm known for laughing so hard my eyes scrunch so hard and tears are 

falling down my face it's a wonder somebody doesn't think I'm hurt...

Instead they begin to laugh because they are overcome with my laughing.
I love to laugh, act silly, dance goofy, and sing very loud too!

And worse...

When something is extra, extra funny I am known to remember it later

and begin to randomly laugh out loud about it!!

During "laughing" times like these of course the real me is shining through loud and clear and sparkling with happiness topped with a smile.

It's easy to smile. Sometimes it totally is easy to smile!

The real me is not defined by depression.

I have depression. I am not depression.

But in those other times when others are not demanding you, namely our four and two year old, and the to-do-list is to long that you can't quit the day yet... I force the smile.

Not a mask. But the smile of perseverance.

The kids have to see me smile.

My husband has to see me smile.

My mother has to see me smile or she does become panicked over me.

It's in those quiet times when I can let the smile go.

I go to lie down before my Savior. It's as if I hear Him say...

'Okay, it's just you and Me now.

Let's rest and then hash out this melancholic illness that you've persevered through today.

Let's refuel, let's take as long as you need. I love you my child.'

Depression lives not only on the inside breaking us down it also lives on the face.

I know I have to take extra and purposeful measure to care for my body.

I never want a flare up!

*take a nap

*slow down in life

*walking

*eliminating the non-necessities

Yet it's harder to care for the face, at least for me I find it to.

I don't mean washing our face and putting make-up on.

I mean healthifying (if that is a word) with a smile.

If my kids walk into the kitchen while I'm cooking and 'that feeling' and that tiredness is oozing from me-

it's not easy to put my smile on.

But I must smile. Not a mask, but a smile of perseverance.

Please know that I am not perfect.

Sometimes I don't smile and I run them out of the kitchen as quick as I can blink!

Sometimes I don't want to deal with their bickering, I mean in the right way. And worse- sometimes I'll even kick them out of the kitchen when their laughter is getting to loud simply because it is to noisy for me. "Sometimes" is one time to many!

That is sad.

I do fail with my smile of perseverance.

You cannot begin to wonder the guilt I have when I hinder my children in this way.

I love them so much. It hurts me that I can do this, but it hurts them worse.

Another good reason for the smile of perseverance.

Many who don't really know me probably would think that I am the last person who has depression. 

I think that is a good thing. I don't want others to have to enter that part of my life when they don't have to.

Depression is hard.

It's hard for those who love you.

It's something that makes others feel awkward and not sure how to act around you.

So, I say in love, to us who suffered with depression, we must smile in perseverance for them.