Smile of Perseverance

Two days ago I went to the doctor, the psychiatrist,

I had purposely dressed up like always when I go to the doctor and... I wore my smile.

The doctor said to me,

"You look good, I know what depressed looks like. You look good."

I said, 

"Yep, I know what depressed looks like too and I do feel good."

The doctors tell me I am in what they medically call- remission.

The doctor was probably convinced that I am trucking along perfectly peachy-keen because I dressed my best and wore a smile.

But if you know me

not only can I not lie but I also don't like to give false impressions.

So, I went on to say,

"Yes, I do feel good both mentally and physically. But, over the course of years and even with my medications depression is always there. It's just not always taking me over. And in times like this it is easy for me to get-up-and-get-dressed and wear a smile." I explained to the doctor, a new doctor at the clinic, 

"I have accepted depression as part of my lot in life. If I have to live with it then I have to live with it."

My appointment wrapped up nicely and I don't go back until three months.

Three months means I'm doing great and at this point all I need to check in for is for medication management.

But to you my readers who are diagnosed with depression especially

Major Depression Disorder like me

I will tell you something more. More than I told my doctor.

Maybe like you I have found that some things my doctor is

not going to "get" because he/she doesn't have depression.

I am in my good days. I am in a very good season right now with this illness.

But, while I am smiling depression is still there.

It's there in the morning while I sip my coffee and read my Bible. 

It's there when I make breakfast for my kids. 

It's there when I am driving by myself in the car.

In the quiet- especially the quiet while the kids nap or I am lying down for the night.

-some days, most these days, it is lighter and almost nill and other days it can be a bit heavy-

Distraction is good right?

But distraction that is not balanced out with rest leads to burn out thus kicking in depression at high gear.

As I learn to be more simple I soak in the best of the best distractions for me.

-Can I just say.... I LOVE LIFE!-

I can laugh, dance, I have skip toot-a-loo's in my heart,

I can play, hang out with friends.

I Love dates with my husband. I love taking my daughter and her friend to window shop with them, and go to the movies! I love to preschool our foster sons. I love to chat with my nineteen year old son.

Yeah, I'm known for laughing so hard my eyes scrunch so hard and tears are 

falling down my face it's a wonder somebody doesn't think I'm hurt...

Instead they begin to laugh because they are overcome with my laughing.
I love to laugh, act silly, dance goofy, and sing very loud too!

And worse...

When something is extra, extra funny I am known to remember it later

and begin to randomly laugh out loud about it!!

During "laughing" times like these of course the real me is shining through loud and clear and sparkling with happiness topped with a smile.

It's easy to smile. Sometimes it totally is easy to smile!

The real me is not defined by depression.

I have depression. I am not depression.

But in those other times when others are not demanding you, namely our four and two year old, and the to-do-list is to long that you can't quit the day yet... I force the smile.

Not a mask. But the smile of perseverance.

The kids have to see me smile.

My husband has to see me smile.

My mother has to see me smile or she does become panicked over me.

It's in those quiet times when I can let the smile go.

I go to lie down before my Savior. It's as if I hear Him say...

'Okay, it's just you and Me now.

Let's rest and then hash out this melancholic illness that you've persevered through today.

Let's refuel, let's take as long as you need. I love you my child.'

Depression lives not only on the inside breaking us down it also lives on the face.

I know I have to take extra and purposeful measure to care for my body.

I never want a flare up!

*take a nap

*slow down in life

*walking

*eliminating the non-necessities

Yet it's harder to care for the face, at least for me I find it to.

I don't mean washing our face and putting make-up on.

I mean healthifying (if that is a word) with a smile.

If my kids walk into the kitchen while I'm cooking and 'that feeling' and that tiredness is oozing from me-

it's not easy to put my smile on.

But I must smile. Not a mask, but a smile of perseverance.

Please know that I am not perfect.

Sometimes I don't smile and I run them out of the kitchen as quick as I can blink!

Sometimes I don't want to deal with their bickering, I mean in the right way. And worse- sometimes I'll even kick them out of the kitchen when their laughter is getting to loud simply because it is to noisy for me. "Sometimes" is one time to many!

That is sad.

I do fail with my smile of perseverance.

You cannot begin to wonder the guilt I have when I hinder my children in this way.

I love them so much. It hurts me that I can do this, but it hurts them worse.

Another good reason for the smile of perseverance.

Many who don't really know me probably would think that I am the last person who has depression. 

I think that is a good thing. I don't want others to have to enter that part of my life when they don't have to.

Depression is hard.

It's hard for those who love you.

It's something that makes others feel awkward and not sure how to act around you.

So, I say in love, to us who suffered with depression, we must smile in perseverance for them.