How My Depression Saved My Husband

My depression, when I could no longer hold on without medical attention, God used for the good. In my affliction He opened my chest and spiritually performed open heart surgery. The Lord set me aside with a special view into my heart like Scrooge in the movie A Christmas Carol. He showed me how I was killing my husband. My husband has never been anything but merciful towards me- he truly is the earthly picture of Jesus' never ending unconditional love despite how much I sinned against him, and yet, he remained the same. My husband, who is close enough to perfect, loves me the way Christ loves the Church. Yet I constantly tore him a part. ...Why can't you change? Why can't you do this with the kids? Why are you home so late from work? Why can't you be like so-and-so's husband? Do you have to eat that? Can't you just take control of things? Why don't you understand? How could you think that way? Will you ever make better decisions? ...The list goes on. (Pathetic isn't it?) More times than to keep on counting I pulled out the proverbial knife, stabbed it into my husband's chest, and tore him down like no other. Confessing this embarrasses me. Before I post this for you to read I will have let my husband read it first, then with his approval I will publish it.

My sin nature is to be in charge of all things including my husband -go ahead and throw God into that same equation. If you knew me back then you still would not have known what I really was like at home. Me- a double dose of manipulation and pride, and sad to say I was a bully towards my husband. This had been going on for 10 years! My poor husband! It was ugly back then- the inside of me was ugly and wicked. I have to add a little side note: Not every moment of our marriage was I mean to my husband -but it was one time too many. We have wonderful memories, fantastic memories, and many moments of laughter (we love to laugh!). Those are the moments we like to dwell on and have been building our marriage on ever since. But, believe me, the hurt I brought into our marriage stands out almost blocking anything that was good.

I'll try to paint a good description of what one of my deepest pits of depression looked like, the one that saved my husband.  It's no wonder God used this time to show me my hurtful ways towards my husband. There's no way I could have bucked up against Him. One other thing, next to depression, not being able to care for my children was literally about to kill me from the guilt (I use the words kill, die, dying, dead, death a lot- it's just part of depression).

Here goes...

I was dying on the inside. I could fake it no longer. I could hardly breathe with unbearable sadness and sorrow. Tears were my best friend. My bones felt depleted of all marrow, they were hallow and crushed, and yet too heavy for me to bare. There was a grey fog smothering me. There was no desire within me to do any of the things I knew I loved to do. My appetite was gone, my rib cage was visible, and sleep escaped from me. Lack of sleep didn't make me unbearably tired, no, on the contrary, it filled me with rushes of constant panic. An odd form of fatigue became mine. When I would say, I'm tired, I never meant physically. I meant tired and wasted from the oppression, next you'd hear me saying things like I just want to be better or I just want to go home (heaven). The dark had been with me so long that I didn't even want to open my eyes. Before long I could hardly open my eyes even if I wanted to. My life was alive and at the same time I was dead. I was lonely though I wasn't really alone. There was never a moment's peace inside my mind. I was drowning in my river of tears that would not stop.

Although circumstances had nothing to do with my physical condition in the brain that causes my disease, undealt with circumstances only hurt me further while I was in the pit. Ah! the raw opening of a new circumstance I didn't even know existed- the one of tearing my husband to pieces had me on my knees. This issue especially, among others, crushing my back would have to be dealt with or else I would have surely died in my sin.  In this contrite state-of-being my spirit became filled with a greater sense of sorrow as self-sympathy replaced my self-hate. Instead of hating myself I joined the "invisible crowd" that mourned for me. Shame, unbearable shame, felt as if it would stop my almost dead heartbeat. If I had not known that Jesus sat beside me I would have surely fainted until I stopped breathing.

GOD MET ME THERE:
Finally,   holiness  began   to   set   within   my   heart   because   I   saw   how   I   grieved   the   heart   of   the  Lord   with   my   sin.   Disgrace now ravished my bones and added to my mental anguish, how could I ever stand before the Lord? That sickness of fatigue- I literally had loss of strength. I could not stand up straight. You know you're broken when as an adult child you call for your mother's help to get you out of the shower and take you to the hospital. Mental torment was my enemy.
Before the hospital, for what seemed like an eternity my new home was on the bathroom floor with crackers, chicken broth, Gatorade and my husband by my side. The bathroom turned into my school- the school of both holy sorrow and repentance. All at the same time I begged for Christ to return, I begged for Christ to take me home, and I begged Him to make me better for the sake of my children, my husband, and my mother.

I was crushed and sickened at what I saw inside my heart; I knew I wasn't worthy to live. My existence was flittering away right before my husband and mother as they watched on with prayers of mercy for me. How could I ever be restored? My voice reduced to only whispers inside my head as I lie on the cold bathroom floor. "God, I can't stand to be alive anymore. God will you bring me up out of this even though I don't deserve to? God, I want to live and at the same time I don't want to. I see no point of return, the emptiness of sadness surely will slay me, when will You end this for me?"

Although    the    devil    sat    back    and    laughed    he    had    no    idea    what   God    was    about    to    do    in    my    life!  To God be the Glory!

I was saved. More importantly my husband was saved.
I said sorry over and over and over and over again to my husband for many days and many weeks and many months. I know we need only to repent once, mean it, all becomes forgiven, and then move on in God's grace; I couldn't stop repenting even long after I was pulled up out of the ravenous pit.
I began to change my ways. I began to trust my husband. He had always been my head and my protector and now I saw that. I suddenly accepted my husband for who he is, not that he was ever a bad husband. I was ready to follow my leader. Not trying to change him set him free from my control. All the efforts I put into tearing my husband down was replaced with the energy to fully love the best man in the world, yep, that's right- my husband. It set me free from the bitterness that ate at my bones and the anger hiding behind my face. Finally we began to grow into a healthy marriage. Like all good marriages we do mess up. But, this time, we reconcile quickly because we know how great our marriage really is. We enjoy our marriage and because we know how good it is we want to quickly get back at it after we mess up. We continue to grow upwards in Jesus. It's exciting! We're going on 19 years! I am so happily in love with my husband!

Another great outcome, one far to great not to mention... When I was suffering I begged God to spare my children (only two at that time) from seeing me as almost dead. I begged Him to care for my children when I could not and to protect their emotional well-being. Here's what the Lord showed me after the battle: It would be far greater for my children to watch me grieve with suffering over how I once treated their father than to never had seen me respect their father. If I want emotional health for my children then I start by loving and respecting their father. It's true.

 Lamentations 3:19-26 (NIV) 

I remember my affliction and my

wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within

me.

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD'S great love we

are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my

portion;

therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope

is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly

for the salvation of the LORD.

Part 3 of 3: A few things I pray for my children | REALNESS

When my oldest was probably around the age of 8 or 10 I began a new prayer for him, a prayer of realness. I began to pray asking for God to show Himself to my son in ways that a child of his age would surely know -this really is the Lord.

I pray for all of my children asking - God, please show Yourself to them, be real to them, in ways that their young minds can comprehend. God, I try to connect with them on their level and plenty of times I fail. You, God, are not bound to being real to only those who have matured minds and grown in the knowledge of You. I know that You can connect with my children right where they are in their little lives.

As parents we are the #1 spot in their lives to witness the realness of Jesus to them. We do our best to live out our Christian life before them. In my prayer, I want more than that for them simply because I am prone to mess up and hurt my children's feelings. I pray that my children will not mimic my faith in Christ- I want them to own their faith in Christ, it is their life, it is their relationship with the Savior. My faith in Christ will not save them.

Watching them follow Christ because they want to and watching them grow in the love of Christ all because they  know  the  gospel  is  real  gives  my  momma's  heart  no greater  joy.

I'm not at all asking for a hocus-pocus type of experience like the story of the boy who died and went to heaven, and yet awoke back on earth to tell of his divine encounter. I'm not starting a controversial conversation about that boy's story. I just mean to use it as an example against my prayer.

Here's a personal story of realness in my oldest son's life- God showed Himself to him when he thought he was saved.

At a VBS when Joseph was 8 years old

he accepted Christ as his Savior and was baptized.

However, that moment in his life turned out not

to be real to him after all.

I think he was in reaction to the promise of

heaven after we die. Who doesn't want to believe

that they will be heaven bound after earthly death?

Another key factor, I think, was that he knew

accepting Christ was a part of his parents' life; so

he must follow. To him it was a good and right thing

to do.

Jump to when he was 13 years old-

he was at a youth camp. He heard the gospel, just as every

Sunday at church, but this time was different.

Somehow in some way God revealed Himself to our

son showing him that his heart had not really entered into

a relationship with His Son. God, who is always real,

met him tangibly on that day. I imagine that Joseph felt as

 if he could reach out and physically grab the hand of Jesus.

In a quick response to the realness of God

 he bowed his heart in realness and truth

to Christ his Lord. He was baptized once again except, for him,

 this time it was real in the truth.

I now pray the same prayer for all of my children. I continue the prayer for them even as they keep growing in years.

HERE IS THE LINK TO PART #1 | DISCERNMENT
http://herdepressionherhome.blogspot.com/2016/06/part-1-few-things-i-pray-for-my.html

HERE IS THE LINK TO PART #2 | REALNESS
http://herdepressionherhome.blogspot.com/2016/06/part-3-of-3-few-things-i-pray-for-my.html

Part 2 of 3: A few things I pray for my children | PROTECTION

I started the prayer for protection before my children were even born and have carried it on since then. With my oldest I would rub my belly and pray for God's protection over him. I was so moved by the love I instantly had for my child that often I would be in tears as I prayed.

Next, it was my daughter that I carried in my womb. Again, the same rubs, prayers, tears, and pleading with our God for her protection.

Years later our youngest boys came along through adoption. I pray the same prayer and pleading for them. Sometimes I go into their room when they are sleeping and pray over them for protection.

This has been my specific constant prayer for protection:
God, please protect them from all harm and evil. God, please protect them from themselves, the flesh, that is prone to wander towards harm and evil.

Psalm 91:3-6 expresses my heart's prayer for my children.

Surely he will save you

from the fowler's snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find

refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield

and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

nor the pestilence that stalks in the

darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at

midday.

HERE IS THE LINK TO PART #3 | REALNESS

http://herdepressionherhome.blogspot.com/2016/06/part-2-few-things-i-pray-for-my.html

HERE IS THE LINK TO PART #1 | DISCERNMENT

http://herdepressionherhome.blogspot.com/2016/06/part-1-few-things-i-pray-for-my.html

Part 1 of 3: A few things I pray for my children | DISCERMENT

For a long time now I have prayed certain prayers besides salvation for my children, and now I get to add two more children to my prayers. Have you scrolled through my blog and seen pictures of all of my children- both sets of my birthed children and adopted children? All the boys are so handsome, and my one daughter is so pretty! Just in case, here's a picture.

This picture is a couple years old.

They've all grown since then- current ages are 21, 17, 6, and 4.

#1 Spiritual Discernment  But who can discern their own errors? Psalm 19:12a

Let's face it, we're not always smart people, ahem, well at least I know that my children, myself, and even my husband are not.

All humans have an innate sense of right and wrong and good and evil. But, I pray specifically for spiritual discernment. I want for my children to quickly cut through their thoughts about all things:
Is this of God? Is this of the enemy? Believe it or not... the following is a prayer of the Apostle Paul's for the people of Philippi. How neat is that! Even neater, this is a prayer I can stick my children's name into and pray the same prayer! Here's the exact words in Philippians 1:9-10 (NIV)

And this is my prayer:

that your love may abound more and more

in knowledge and depth of insight, so

that you may be able to discern what

 is best and may be pure and blameless

for the day of Christ, filled

with the fruit of righteousness that

comes through Jesus Christ-

to God be the Glory.

HERE IS THE LINK TO PART #3 | REALNESS

http://herdepressionherhome.blogspot.com/2016/06/part-3-of-3-few-things-i-pray-for-my.html

HERE IS THE LINK TO PART #2 | PROTECTION

http://herdepressionherhome.blogspot.com/2016/06/part-2-few-things-i-pray-for-my.html