A Woman of Faith, a Wife & Mom Who is Blessed With Two Biological Children and Two Adopted Children. I'm a Woman Who Perseveres Through Bipolar #2 While Keeping Her Home & Homeschooling.
Sorrow was beautiful, but her beauty was the beauty of the moonlight shining through the leafy branches of the trees in the wood, and making little pools of silver here and there on the soft green moss below. When Sorrow sang, her notes were like the low sweet call of the nightingale, and in her eyes was the unexpectant gaze of one who has ceased to look for coming gladness. She could weep in tender sympathy with those who weep, but to rejoice with those who rejoice was unknown to her.
Joy was beautiful, too, but his was the radiant beauty of the summer morning. His eyes still held the glad laughter of childhood, and his hair had the glint of the sunshine's kiss. When Joy sang his voice soared upward as the lark's, and his step was the step of a conqueror who has never known defeat. He could rejoice with all who rejoice, but to weep with those who weep was unknown to him.
"But we can never be united," said Sorrow wistfully.
"No, never." And Joy's eyes shadowed as he spoke. "My path lies through the sunlit meadows, the sweetest roses bloom for my gathering, and the blackbirds and thrushes await my coming to pour forth their most joyous lays."
"My path," said Sorrow, turning slowly away, "leads through the darkening woods, with moon-flowers only shall my hands be filled. Yet the sweetest of all earth-songs--the love song of the night--shall be mine; farewell, Joy, farewell."
Even as she spoke they became conscious of a form standing beside them; dimly seen, but of a Kingly Presence, and a great and holy awe stole over them as they sank on their knees before Him.
"I see Him as the King of Joy," whispered Sorrow, "for on His Head are many crowns, and the nailprints in His hands and feet are the scars of a great victory. Before Him all my sorrow is melting away into deathless love and gladness, and I give myself to Him forever."
"Nay, Sorrow," said Joy softly, "but I see Him as the King of Sorrow, and the crown on His head is a crown of thorns, and the nailprints in His hands and feet are the scars of a great agony. I, too, give myself to Him forever, for sorrow with Him must be sweeter than any joy that I have known."
"Then we are one in Him," they cried in gladness, "for none but He could unite Joy and Sorrow."
Hand in hand they passed out into the world to follow Him through storm and sunshine, in the bleakness of winter cold and the warmth of summer gladness, "as sorrowful yet always rejoicing."
Should Sorrow lay her hand upon thy shoulder, And walk with thee in silence on life's way, While Joy, thy bright companion once, grown colder, Becomes to thee more distant day by day? Shrink not from the companionship of Sorrow, She is the messenger of God to thee; And thou wilt thank Him in His great tomorrow For what thou knowest not now, thou then shalt see; She is God's angel, clad in weeds of night, With 'whom we walk by faith and not by sight.'
A Guest Post: The Story Behind My Tattoo by Sarah Krueger.
"For the many times I've wanted to end my life and chose to continue it instead..."
"I've dealt with depression for much of my life. I was first diagnosed when I was 13, but dealt with it long before my official diagnoses; just like a lot of us do until we can find proper treatment and a doctor to diagnose us right.
After the birth of my daughter was when I had gotten the diagnoses of bipolar depression. Let me just say, it is not something fun to try and live with and the ones who have been able to watch my journey know that. I was not only diagnosed with bipolar depression but I had also received 12 electro shock treatments (ECT), due to postpartum depression; and if I can help prevent someone from having to walk the same journey I have it is beyond worth it!
We all have something that serves as a reminder and helps pull us through. 2 Corinthians 4:6-9 is my reminder that whatever life may throw at me light will always shine out of the darkness and I will not be beaten!! It helps take me back to the beginning from when I tried taking my own life and the start of the second chance at life I had been given!
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:6-9
At the age of 17, I tried ending my own life. I had taken 46 pills in hopes of never waking up in the morning, but instead I got a hospital stay in the ICU and a second chance at life. You see, I didn't fail at trying to end my own life like too many tell themselves, "I can't even kill myself right .." and fill in the blank for whatever else lie we my tell ourselves. I didn't fail. I succeeded at giving myself a second chance a life. Better yet, I succeeded at allowing God to give me a second chance at life. God gets all the glory in this story!!
I remember that night all too well. I remember the pain of wanting to down the pills, to actually downing the pills, and closing my eyes for the last time but, most of all, I remember the victory won that day!!
The semi colon is a reminder of that. Where the enemy once tried putting a period, Christ gave me life!
God made a STRONG warrior out of me and you may call me passionate, but look at my role model!! Why wouldn't I want to share in my victory!!
I may still deal with depression from time to time, but while I may be struck down I am not destroyed!!"
Thank you for sharing your story Sarah Krueger !! #suicideawareness #mentalhealthawareness #suicidesurvivor
You can read more stories like these on FACEBOOK @ Her Depression
We talk with our children about our adoption story a lot. One of the topics is about our different colors of skin. Come along and listen as we paint and I talk to my children about each other's skin. This was a FUN video! Thanks to my daughter for filming it!
My depression, when I could no longer hold on without medical attention, God used for the good. In my affliction He opened my chest and spiritually performed open heart surgery. The Lord set me aside with a special view into my heart like Scrooge in the movie A Christmas Carol. He showed me how I was killing my husband. My husband has never been anything but merciful towards me- he truly is the earthly picture of Jesus' never ending unconditional love despite how much I sinned against him, and yet, he remained the same. My husband, who is close enough to perfect, loves me the way Christ loves the Church. Yet I constantly tore him a part. ...Why can't you change? Why can't you do this with the kids? Why are you home so late from work? Why can't you be like so-and-so's husband? Do you have to eat that? Can't you just take control of things? Why don't you understand? How could you think that way? Will you ever make better decisions? ...The list goes on. (Pathetic isn't it?) More times than to keep on counting I pulled out the proverbial knife, stabbed it into my husband's chest, and tore him down like no other. Confessing this embarrasses me. Before I post this for you to read I will have let my husband read it first, then with his approval I will publish it.
My sin nature is to be in charge of all things including my husband -go ahead and throw God into that same equation. If you knew me back then you still would not have known what I really was like at home. Me- a double dose of manipulation and pride, and sad to say I was a bully towards my husband. This had been going on for 10 years! My poor husband! It was ugly back then- the inside of me was ugly and wicked. I have to add a little side note: Not every moment of our marriage was I mean to my husband -but it was one time too many. We have wonderful memories, fantastic memories, and many moments of laughter (we love to laugh!). Those are the moments we like to dwell on and have been building our marriage on ever since. But, believe me, the hurt I brought into our marriage stands out almost blocking anything that was good.
I'll try to paint a good description of what one of my deepest pits of depression looked like, the one that saved my husband.It's no wonder God used this time to show me my hurtful ways towards my husband. There's no way I could have bucked up against Him. One other thing, next to depression, not being able to care for my children was literally about to kill me from the guilt (I use the words kill, die, dying, dead, death a lot- it's just part of depression).
Here goes...
I
was dying on the inside. I could fake it no longer. I could hardly breathe with unbearable sadness and
sorrow. Tears were my best friend. My bones felt depleted of all
marrow, they were hallow and crushed, and yet too heavy for me to bare. There was a grey fog smothering me. There was
no desire within me to do any of the things I knew I loved to do. My appetite
was gone, my rib cage was visible, and sleep escaped from me. Lack of sleep didn't make me unbearably tired, no, on the contrary, it filled me with rushes of constant panic. An odd form of fatigue became mine. When I would say, I'm tired, I never meant physically. I meant tired and wasted from the oppression, next you'd hear me saying things like I just want to be better orI just want to go home (heaven). The dark had been with me so long that I didn't even want to open my eyes. Before long I could hardly open my eyes even if I wanted to. My life was alive and at the same time I was dead. I was lonely though I wasn't really
alone. There was never a moment's peace inside my mind. I was drowning in my river of tears that would not stop.
Although circumstances had nothing to do with my physical condition in the brain that causes my disease, undealt with circumstances only hurt me further while I was in the pit. Ah! the raw opening of a new circumstance I didn't even know existed- the one of tearing my husband to pieces had me on my knees. This issue especially, among others, crushing my back would have to be dealt with or else I would have surely died in my sin. In this contrite state-of-being my spirit became filled with a greater sense of sorrow as self-sympathy replaced my self-hate. Instead of hating myself I joined the "invisible crowd" that mourned for me. Shame, unbearable shame, felt as if it would stop my almost
dead heartbeat. If I had not known that Jesus sat beside me I would have surely fainted until I stopped breathing.
GOD MET ME THERE: Finally, holiness
began to set within my heart
because I saw how I grieved the
heart of the Lord with my sin. Disgrace now ravished my bones and added to my mental anguish, how could I ever stand before the Lord? That sickness of fatigue- I literally had loss
of strength. I could not stand up straight. You know you're broken when as an adult child you call for your mother's help to get you out of the shower and take you to the hospital. Mental torment was my
enemy. Before the hospital, for what seemed like an eternity my new home was on the bathroom floor with
crackers, chicken broth, Gatorade and my husband by my side. The bathroom turned into my school- the school of both holy sorrow and repentance. All at the same
time I begged for Christ to return, I begged for Christ to take me home,
and I begged Him to make me better for the sake of my children, my husband, and
my mother.
I was crushed and sickened at what I saw inside my heart; I knew I wasn't worthy to live. My existence was flittering away right before my husband and mother as they watched on with prayers of mercy for me. How could I ever be restored? My voice reduced to only whispers inside my head as I lie on the cold bathroom floor. "God, I can't stand to be alive anymore. God will you bring me up out of this even though I don't deserve to? God, I want to live and at the same time I don't want to. I see no point of return, the emptiness of sadness surely will slay me, when will You end this for me?" Although the devil sat back and laughed he had no idea what God was about to do in my life! To God be the Glory!
I was saved. More importantly my husband was saved.
I said sorry over and over and over and over again to my husband for many days and many weeks and many months. I know we need only to repent once, mean it, all becomes forgiven, and then move on in God's grace; I couldn't stop repenting even long after I was pulled up out of the ravenous pit.
I began to changemy ways. I began to trust my husband. He had always been my head and my protector and now I saw that. I suddenly accepted my husband for who he is, not that he was ever a bad husband. I was ready to follow my leader. Not trying to change him set him free from my control. All the efforts I put into tearing my husband down was replaced with the energy to fully love the best man in the world, yep, that's right- my husband. It set me free from the bitterness that ate at my bones and the anger hiding behind my face. Finally we began to grow into a healthy marriage. Like all good marriages we do mess up. But, this time, we reconcile quickly because we know how great our marriage really is. We enjoy our marriage and because we know how good it is we want to quickly get back at it after we mess up. We continue to grow upwards in Jesus. It's exciting! We're going on 19 years! I am so happily in love with my husband!
Another great outcome, one far to great not to mention... When I was suffering I begged God to spare my children (only two at that time) from seeing me as almost dead. I begged Him to care for my children when I could not and to protect their emotional well-being. Here's what the Lord showed me after the battle: It would be far greater for my children to watch me grieve with suffering over how I once treated their father than to never had seen me respect their father. If I want emotional health for my children then I start by loving and respecting their father. It's true.
When my oldest was probably around the age of 8 or 10 I began a new prayer for him, a prayer of realness. I began to pray asking for God to show Himself to my son in ways that a child of his age would surely know -this really is the Lord.
I pray for all of my children asking - God, pleaseshow Yourself to them, be real to them, in ways that their young minds can comprehend. God, I try to connect with them on their level and plenty of times I fail. You, God, are not bound to being real to only those who have matured minds and grown in the knowledge of You. I know that You can connect with my children right where they are in their little lives.
As parents we are the #1 spot in their lives to witness the realness of Jesus to them. We do our best to live out our Christian life before them. In my prayer, I want more than that for them simply because I am prone to mess up and hurt my children's feelings. I pray that my children will not mimic my faith in Christ- I want them to own their faith in Christ, it is their life, it is their relationship with the Savior. My faith in Christ will not save them.
Watching them follow Christ because they want to and watching them grow in the love of Christ all because they know the gospel is real gives my momma's heart no greater joy.
I'm not at all asking for a hocus-pocus type of experience like the story of the boy who died and went to heaven, and yet awoke back on earth to tell of his divine encounter. I'm not starting a controversial conversation about that boy's story. I just mean to use it as an example against my prayer.
Here's a personal story of realness in my oldest son's life- God showed Himself to him when he thought he was saved.
At a VBS when Joseph was 8 years old
he accepted Christ as his Savior and was baptized.
However, that moment in his life turned out not
to be real to him after all.
I think he was in reaction to the promise of
heaven after we die. Who doesn't want to believe
that they will be heaven bound after earthly death?
Another key factor, I think, was that he knew
accepting Christ was a part of his parents' life; so
he must follow. To him it was a good and right thing
to do.
Jump to when he was 13 years old-
he was at a youth camp. He heard the gospel, just as every
Sunday at church, but this time was different.
Somehow in some way God revealed Himself to our
son showing him that his heart had not really entered into
a relationship with His Son. God, who is always real,
met him tangibly on that day. I imagine that Joseph felt as
if he could reach out and physically grab the hand of Jesus.
In a quick response to the realness of God
he bowed his heart in realness and truth
to Christ his Lord. He was baptized once again except, for him,
this time it was real in the truth.
I now pray the same prayer for all of my children. I continue the prayer for them even as they keep growing in years.
I started the prayer for protection before my children were even born and have carried it on since then. With my oldest I would rub my belly and pray for God's protection over him. I was so moved by the love I instantly had for my child that often I would be in tears as I prayed.
Next, it was my daughter that I carried in my womb. Again, the same rubs, prayers, tears, and pleading with our God for her protection.
Years later our youngest boys came along through adoption. I pray the same prayer and pleading for them. Sometimes I go into their room when they are sleeping and pray over them for protection.
This has been my specific constant prayer for protection:
God, please protect them from all harm and evil. God, please protect them from themselves, the flesh, that is prone to wander towards harm and evil.
Psalm 91:3-6 expresses my heart's prayer for my children.
For a long time now I have prayed certain prayers besides salvation for my children, and now I get to add two more children to my prayers. Have you scrolled through my blog and seen pictures of all of my children- both sets of my birthed children and adopted children? All the boys are so handsome, and my one daughter is so pretty! Just in case, here's a picture.
This picture is a couple years old.
They've all grown since then- current ages are 21, 17, 6, and 4.
#1 Spiritual Discernment But who can discern their own errors? Psalm 19:12a
Let's face it, we're not always smart people, ahem, well at least I know that my children, myself, and even my husband are not.
All humans have an innate sense of right and wrong and good and evil. But, I pray specifically for spiritual discernment. I want for my children to quickly cut through their thoughts about all things:
Is this of God? Is this of the enemy? Believe it or not... the following is a prayer of the Apostle Paul's for the people of Philippi. How neat is that! Even neater, this is a prayer I can stick my children's name into and pray the same prayer! Here's the exact words in Philippians 1:9-10 (NIV)
Sorrow was beautiful, but her beauty was the beauty of the moonlight shining through the leafy branches of the trees in the wood, and making little pools of silver here and there on the soft green moss below. When Sorrow sang, her notes were like the low sweet call of the nightingale, and in her eyes was the unexpectant gaze of one who has ceased to look for coming gladness. She could weep in tender sympathy with those who weep, but to rejoice with those who rejoice was unknown to her.
